Gauguin and van Gogh, of course, remain unparalleled as post-impressionist artists. And Gulbis? It’s Natalie Gulbis, the LPGA Tour’s resident hottie, who represents a purely magnificent post-pubescent art form. I appreciate art, and the Gulbis form is a masterpiece.
That appreciation blossomed when Gulbis emboldened the pages of the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, wearing only a hand-painted bikini on her bum and bust. Talk about wondrous flesh tones.
I confess that I’m old enough to be Natalie’s father--maybe even grandfather, some cruel hearts would say. While many summers of golf have come and gone, I still possess fine motor skills, and Natalie definitely revs my engine.
The two of us have history.
Months after the swimsuit issue, we ran into each other at the LPGA Tour stop near Toledo. I was in near-jog, head down, rushing toward a concession stand for a health snack--OK, it was a damn hot dog, heavy on the grease, please. Natalie was steaming toward the practice tee, head down in her iPhone. We both looked up at the last moment, exchanging “excuse me’s” as we sidestepped each other.
It happened so fast I didn’t have time to attempt any surefire pick-up lines, like inviting her over to view my etchings, although I fear the only etchings she might have noticed are those crinkle cut on my weathered face.
Then last year at the same Toledo tourney, I found myself stalking--scratch that--FOLLOWING her group on the back nine. She hit a short iron to within easy birdie range, then made a beeline across the fairway toward me.
Me? Yes, she was coming right at me. Natalie obviously remembered our run-in from the year before. She closed so fast, in fact, I didn’t even have time to apply the Facelift In A Jar cream that I always carry. Then as I reached out to receive her warm embrace, she was by me, hugging some dude named Josh standing two yards to my left.
Word is always a little slow to reach Toledo, but apparently everyone but me knew that Josh and Natalie had announced their engagement a couple weeks earlier.
While I’m unequaled as a romantic rascal, Natalie went ahead and married Josh boy anyway, leaving me to stumble down the lonely cart path of life without her, unhinged from reality as always.