Note to golf’s big boy bombers: Stop quaking in your boots. You won’t be facing the Bogeyville Blogger in this year’s RE/MAX World Long Drive Championship in Las Vegas.

A recent viewing of six golf videos, each promising to add from 30 to 50 yards to my tee shots and each failing to produce any measurable results, clinched my decision to stay home. These videos were my way of dialing up long distance information, but as usual I keep getting the wrong number.

I’ve endured a lifetime power outage in golf, but I’ve never stopped searching for that one magic move that will produce significant extra yards.

But these videos--The Rocket Shot, Explosive Power, Bombin’ It Long, Ultimate Distance Secrets, Unleashed Power and 4 Keys to Maximize Your Power--didn’t unlock any secrets.

Let me see, in my world of weird math, six videos times a minimum of 30 extra yards per video, plus my normal 220-yard tee shots, should equal drives of at least 400 yards. Of course, my fuzzy-minded math doesn’t compute so I will leave the heavy hitting to the big boys.

It’s best for all concerned. We’re definitely different breeds and move at different speeds. Their swings are faster than Ferraris, and mine is more like a 1960 Volkswagen Beetle coughing up engine blood.

And, frankly, these long drive monsters intimidate a scrawny guy like me. They all look like they’re about 6-5, 250 pounds with arms like Hulk Hogan (FYI, the Hulkster is no relation to that other Hogan dude, Ben). Me? About 155 pounds with twiggy-type arms.

They also make these loud guttural growls that wake the dead when they smash their drives four football fields long. I don’t make any noise when I nudge my patty cake drives, but I’m afraid if I did, it would sound like one of those annoying Maria Sharapova high-pitched squeals on the tennis court.

So relax, boys. Unless a Pray for Power Miracle Network somewhere out there answers my call, I’m leaving Las Vegas to you.